You know what the average person is? Average..

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in you….

You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?.

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA ….

Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping….

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero..

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control..

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would ….

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enou….

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half..

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem..

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two..

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will..

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is..

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend..

A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocr….

Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die y….

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky one….

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example..

Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?.