Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year..

Never fry bacon when you're naked..

Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the cou….

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!.

Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!.

When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion..

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank..

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck..

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday..

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people,….

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks..

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career..