A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocr….

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in you….

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend..

Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping….

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would ….

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is..

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding..

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control..

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero..

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will..

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!.

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two..

You know what the average person is? Average..

There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life..

In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If y….

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enou….

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem..

You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?.

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA ….

That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a d….

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half..