You can't ride home on a bowl of goat..

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling..

They call me Tater Salad.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party..

Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself..

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party..

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back..

We have hearing aids in order to fix our ears. We have lasik surgery in order to fix our eyes. People ... you can't fix stupid!.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered..

I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill the….

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game..

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots..

My goal is just to become a better comedian..

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range..

It's something that's really fun to do. It's a family business..

There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built t….

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative..

You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to..

The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I ….

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level..