If you kill someone in Texas, we'll kill ya back..

There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years..

The biggest piece of advice that I give young comedians is: If it's your goal to get where I'm at, go do something else. Because you'll never get her….

You can't fix stupid..

The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less ….

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party..

I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow..

I'm a comedian, and I like to work on my live show, and if I'm doing television, I don't have time to work on my live show, and I can become a lame c….

I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em..

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane..

Everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level. Ultimately ….

There are a million really good cigars, you gotta really float around cigars. It's not like being locked into a brand of cigarettes; at least to me i….

Everybody I know is a joke writer..

You can't ride home on a bowl of goat..

I'd like to start off this show by asking you all a question, cause I don't know the answer. Uh, I lost my sunglasses and yesterday I went to the Sun….

When life hands you lemons make lemonade. Then find someone who's life gave them Tequila and have a party..

I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part..

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling..

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He's probably the best comedian who ever lived. ….

They call me Tater Salad.

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic..