If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull..

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually..

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to..

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to..

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol..

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money..

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks..

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water..

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her..

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain..

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with..

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender..

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake..

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food..

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself..

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get..

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living..

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places..

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer..

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C..

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it..