Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.