I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure..

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted..

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to..

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life..

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to..

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food..

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer..

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get..

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appea….

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it..

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C..

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places..

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender..

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually..

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake..

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living..

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks..

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull..

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain..

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself..

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with..