W. C. Fields

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.