Explore Quotes by W. C. Fields

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

I never met a kid I liked.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.