Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.

- Andy Borowitz

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

- Andy Borowitz

If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

- Andy Borowitz

NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.

- Andy Borowitz

Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.

- Andy Borowitz

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

- Andy Borowitz

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

- Andy Borowitz

Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.

- Andy Borowitz

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

- Andy Borowitz