I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

- Milton Jones

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

- Milton Jones

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained…

- Milton Jones

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

- Milton Jones

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, bu…

- Milton Jones

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

- Milton Jones

It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

- Milton Jones

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

- Milton Jones

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

- Milton Jones