I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

I'm an actor who they said was wrinkled and balding and everything else when I was in my early 30's. Most of the people who wrote that who thought they were younger than me are now bald and wrinkled.

I'm like a backward berry, Unripened on the vine, For all my friends are fifty, And I'm only forty-nine.

I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don't. The misery will come. The misery will find you.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.