I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

- Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

- Emo Philips

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead …

- Emo Philips

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

- Emo Philips

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

- Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay g…

- Emo Philips

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

- Emo Philips

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

- Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to fo…

- Emo Philips