So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze. - Tim Vine
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
- Tim Vine
I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor. - Tim Vine
I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my … - Tim Vine
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my …
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out - Tim Vine
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust. - Tim Vine
Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels. - Tim Vine
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. - Tim Vine
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." - Tim Vine
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds. - Tim Vine
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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