I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

- Jim Norton

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

- Jim Norton

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the m…

- Jim Norton

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified ge…

- Jim Norton

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a tow…

- Jim Norton

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

- Jim Norton

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

- Jim Norton

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

- Jim Norton

You look like a diabetic strip club owner.

- Jim Norton