I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth cert…

- Bob Monkhouse

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

- Bob Monkhouse

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

- Bob Monkhouse

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.

- Bob Monkhouse

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

- Bob Monkhouse

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

- Bob Monkhouse

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

- Bob Monkhouse

It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.

- Bob Monkhouse

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

- Bob Monkhouse