When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other. - Jimmy Carr
Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
- Jimmy Carr
If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids. - Jimmy Carr
If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetari… - Jimmy Carr
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetari…
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?" - Jimmy Carr
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door … - Jimmy Carr
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door …
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand. - Jimmy Carr
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. - Jimmy Carr
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes. - Jimmy Carr
Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray! - Jimmy Carr
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
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