My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

- Chic Murray

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

- Chic Murray

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and c…

- Chic Murray

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

- Chic Murray

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was …

- Chic Murray

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

- Chic Murray

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

- Chic Murray

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

- Chic Murray

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

- Chic Murray