I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivari…

- Tommy Cooper

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

- Tommy Cooper

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

- Tommy Cooper

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

- Tommy Cooper

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A prema…

- Tommy Cooper

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

- Tommy Cooper

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay -…

- Tommy Cooper

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

- Tommy Cooper

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the f…

- Tommy Cooper