I went to a bookstore the other day. I asked a woman behind the counter where the self-help books were. She said, ‘If I told you, that would defeat t…

- Brian Kiley

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.

- Brian Kiley

There's always one teacher you had a crush on; for me, it's my wife's aerobics instructor.

- Brian Kiley

In high school, my sister went out with the captain of the chess team. My parents loved him... They figured that any guy that took hours to make a mo…

- Brian Kiley

My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.

- Brian Kiley