I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

- Demetri Martin

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

- Demetri Martin

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

- Demetri Martin

'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards.

- Demetri Martin

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

- Demetri Martin

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

- Demetri Martin

The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.

- Demetri Martin

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

- Demetri Martin

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

- Demetri Martin