I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

- Frank Carson

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

- Frank Carson

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

- Frank Carson

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photogr…

- Frank Carson

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

- Frank Carson

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three month…

- Frank Carson

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning o…

- Frank Carson

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

- Frank Carson

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have tol…

- Frank Carson