Quotes on Funny Life

We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn't want to meet.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Life is a near-death experience.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family.

Life is not a static thing. The only people who do not change their minds are incompetents in asylums, and those in cemeteries.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'

Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time.

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim.

The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Parents always make their worst mistakes with their oldest children. That's when parents know the least and care the most, so they're more likely to be wrong and also more likely to insist that they're right.

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.

The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.