Quotes on Funny Life

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.

I consider myself a crayon... I may not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

If your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.

Life is a gamble, at terrible odds - if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.

My whole life is waiting for the questions to which I have prepared answers.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.