Quotes on Funny

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

The only way to be sure of catching a train is to miss the one before it.

Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read.

If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.

Better mad with the rest of the world than wise alone.

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

God forbid that any book should be banned. The practice is as indefensible as infanticide.

If I'm doing something on stage, and it evokes an emotion, then I might show that emotion, but I also don't believe in being a preacher. If you have a point, that's a bonus. But the funny has to come first; otherwise, you shouldn't call yourself a comedian.

Give the American people a good cause, and there's nothing they can't lick.

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.

But only in their dreams can men be truly free. It was always thus and always thus will be.

Americans are like a rich father who wishes he knew how to give his son the hardships that made him rich.

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

There's a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

Comedy needs to happen naturally and be in touch with the character. When you see that guy in your office that everybody laughs at, he doesn't think he's funny. He's just being him, and that's the joke.

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.