Quotes on Funny

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

I seated ugliness on my knee, and almost immediately grew tired of it.

You have to laugh at things in order to let them be what they truly are. Because nothing is only sad. Nothing is only funny. There's context to all of those things.

This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.

There's something very authentic about humor, when you think about it. Anybody can pretend to be serious. But you can't pretend to be funny.

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment

Some people can do things and get away with it. Comics are famously like that. Why is it that some guys can say the most horrible things and it's not offensive, it's funny?

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Television has made dictatorship impossible but democracy unbearable.

A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies, said Jojen. The man who never reads lives only one.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

I felt like there was something wrong with me in my twenties but, when I started doing stand up comedy, I learnt that if you tell the truth it's really funny and people connect to it. So I think if I keep doing that then I'll be happy.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

People come back from flights and tell you a story like it's a horror story. That's how bad they make it sound. They're like, 'It was the worst day of my life. We didn't board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.' Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?'

About the time we can make the ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

The suspense is terrible. I hope it'll last.

Every tooth in a man's head is more valuable than a diamond.