Quotes on Funny

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.

A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.

I wrote the story myself. It's all about a girl who lost her reputation but never missed it.

Only when the tide goes out do you discover who's been swimming naked.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

I am dying with the help of too many physicians.

You cannot dictate what people find funny, what people find attractive, or what people find scary. There is not a norm.

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she's a householder.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Football is a simple game. Twenty-two men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans always win.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.

When a dramatic actor does a funny film, people are like, 'Wonderful! I didn't know he was funny!' But when it flips, people can get really thrown by it.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure - that is all that agnosticism means.