Quotes on Funny

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

A book is a mirror: if an ape looks into it an apostle is hardly likely to look out.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

There's only one rule in stand-up, which is that you have to be funny. Yet 99 per cent of comics look and talk exactly the same.

It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope.

What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea.

Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.

Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.

Some men never feel small, but these are the few men who are.

We make our friends; we make our enemies; but God makes our next door neighbour.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

Dublin university contains the cream of Ireland: Rich and thick.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

Even in fiction, I feel rigorous honesty applies. It doesn't apply to facts; it applies to what I think of as not telling emotional lies, which is a funny business.

It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does in the same way, that is being drunk and being the father of their son.