Quotes on Funny

Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe.

I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world and it's efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read-

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard, there's nothing you can do.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

Men may change their climate, but they cannot change their nature. A man that goes out a fool cannot ride or sail himself into common sense.

I am a deeply superficial person.

Well-behaved women seldom make history.

Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.

The proverb says, "Born lucky, always lucky," and I am very superstitious. As a small boy I was notoriously lucky. It was usual for one or two of our lads (per annum) to get drowned in the Mississippi or in Bear Creek, but I was pulled out in a 2/3 drowned condition 9 times before I learned to swim, and was considered to be a cat in disguise.

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.

All pretty girls are a trap, a pretty trap, and men expect them to be.

There are so many funny women in the world, and there has been for so many years, so I'll be happy when people can just move on from that, and things can just be 'comedies' and not 'female' or 'male,' and everyone gets an equal opportunity.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.