Quotes on Funny

I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

I'd rather be strongly wrong than weakly right.

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse.

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.

I can think of no better way of redeeming this tragic world today than love and laughter. Too many of the young have forgotten how to laugh, and too many of the elders have forgotten how to love. Would not our lives be lightened if only we could all learn to laugh more easily at ourselves and to love one another?

Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer.

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

When the eyes say one thing, and the tongue another, a practiced man relies on the language of the first.

The sea is the same as it has been since before men ever went on it in boats.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.