Quotes on Funny

Do not worry about not holding high position; worry rather about playing your proper role. Worry not that no one knows of you; seek to be worth knowing.

Old age hath yet his honour and his toil.

Too many people, when they get old, think that they have to live by the calendar.

Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself, even though you never touch its coat tails.

I have not professionally dealt in truth. Many when they come to die have spent all the truth that was in them, and enter the next world as paupers. I have saved up enough to make an astonishment there.

No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.

Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.

Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

If you would be wealthy, think of saving as well as getting.

From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 10 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 30 feet away.

To kill a relative of whom you are tired is something. But to inherit his property afterwards, that is genuine pleasure.

Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

School is where you go between when your parents can't take you and industry can't take you.

Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family.

In the factory we make cosmetics. In the store we sell hope.

I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.