Quotes on Funny

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

Saying women aren't funny is now like saying Asians can't drive or saying black people have bad credit. It's just really, like, so obsolete.

All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.

Were kisses all the joys in bed, _x000D_ One woman would another wed.

Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.

The most prudent thing any intelligent animal can do, if it would prefer its descendents not to spend a lot of time on a slab with electrodes clamped to their brains or sticking mines on the bottom of ships, or being patronised by zoologists, is to make bloody certain humans don't find out about it.

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

I think someone should design exercise machines that reward people with sex at the end of their workouts, because people will perform superhuman feats for even the faint hope of that.

Bring down the curtain, the farce is over

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and it holds the world together.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

There are hidden contradictions in the minds of people who "love Nature" while deploring the "artificialities" with which "Man has spoiled Nature.'" The obvious contradiction lies in their choice of words, which imply that Man and his artifacts are not part of "Nature" : but beavers and their dams are.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.