Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river..

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

Farewell, dearest friend, never to see one another any more till at the right hand of Christ..

When you are in love- everything is romantic.

All I am is what I'm going after..

I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?.

It shouldn't be too much of a surprise that the Internet has evolved into a force strong enough to reflect the greatest hopes and fears of those who ….

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer..

I would rather be loved by somebody who respected me..

I've always approached screenplays and so forth with, "How would it really happen?" Not "What's the movie version?" but "What's the real-life version….

There’s a period of time in your life when I kind of look back, and I’m like, was I happy, or was I just not aware?.

I'll be one of the Who's of Whoville..

Very often, I don't make it through moments of recording because it is genuinely funny and absolutely ridiculous that a 60-year-old grown man is maki….

My boss at Christmas was a lot of fun: "I want you to look in your pay envelopes and you'll know that I keep the Christmas spirit around here. Becau….

I have no wisdom and nothing useful to tell you - I only mentioned this because it came into my head..

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'.

We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't ….

In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediat….

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't belie….

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country..

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted..