Quotes on Hilarious

We now think it hilarious that medieval streets were used as open sewers. Equally, our descendants will say: 'You won't believe this, but people were once allowed to hurl a couple of tons of dangerous metal around smashing into each other.'

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Anybody who doesn't make you feel good, kick them to the curb. And the earlier you start in your life, the better.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

Dublin university contains the cream of Ireland: Rich and thick.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.

My mum, Helen, was hilarious. She had a tremendous sense of humour and was a great singer and tap dancer. For many years, she was the voice of Minnie Mouse in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. She would be in the float as it came along, singing whatever the Minnie Mouse song of the day was. She was a really big spirit in my life.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.