Quotes on Hilarious

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

All pretty girls are a trap, a pretty trap, and men expect them to be.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

The universe is hilarious! Like, Venus is 900 degrees. I could tell you it melts lead. But that's not as fun as saying, 'You can cook a pizza on the windowsill in nine seconds.' And next time my fans eat pizza, they're thinking of Venus!

I am joined with no foot land-rakers, no long-staff, sixpenny strikers, none of these mad, mustachio purple-hued maltworms, but with nobility and tranquillity.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.

Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.

I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.