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I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.
Expect not praise without envy until you are dead.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?
If people only knew how much I secretly hated them, they'd love me for holding it in.
My father must have had some elementary education for he could read and write and keep accounts inaccurately
A beautiful vacuum filled with wealthy monogamists, all powerful and members of the best families all drinking themselves to death.
Marriage is the death of hope.
Good humor isn't a trait of character, it is an art which requires practice.
Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard, there's nothing you can do.
Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!
Laughter is the closest thing to the grace of God.
A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles.
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
On my gravestone, I want it to say, "I told you I was sick."
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
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