Explore Quotes on Humor

My true friends have always given me that supreme proof of devotion, a spontaneous aversion for the man I loved.

If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours.

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'

No mind is thoroughly well organized that is deficient in a sense of humor.

Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them.

Diligence is a good thing, but taking things easy is much more restful.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.