Quotes on Humor

Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

Every rascal is not a thief, but every thief is a rascal.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

This I conceive to be the chemical function of humor: to change the character of our thought.

Great things are not accomplished by those who yield to trends and fads and popular opinion.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world and it's efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read-

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard, there's nothing you can do.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

I am a deeply superficial person.

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

A sense of humor is just common sense dancing.

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

An idea is a feat of association.

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor.

The judge is found guilty when a criminal is acquitted.

Oldtimers, weekends, and airplane landings are alike. If you can walk away from them, they're successful.

Holding back is so close to stealing.