Quotes on Humor

I should say, one of the things about being a widow or a widower, you really, really need a sense of humor, because everything's going to fall apart.

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

All my humor is based on destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing in the bread line - right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.

I seated ugliness on my knee, and almost immediately grew tired of it.

There's something very authentic about humor, when you think about it. Anybody can pretend to be serious. But you can't pretend to be funny.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself.

We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow. Our wiser sons, no doubt will think us so.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

How is the world ruled and led to war? Diplomats lie to journalists and believe these lies when they see them in print.

The basis of optimism is sheer terror.

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.

He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.

If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.

It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humour.

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.