Quotes on Humor

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

People say conversation is a lost art; how often I have wished it were.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

The Creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo.

Nothing is so galling to a people not broken in from birth as a paternal, or, in other words, a meddling government, a government which tells them what to read, and say, and eat, and drink and wear.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

There are two insults no human being will endure: that he has no sense of humor, and that he has never known trouble.

All higher humor begins with ceasing to take oneself seriously.

There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

I think that what comes through in Chicago humor is the affection. Even though you're poking fun at someone or something, there's still an affection for it.

People think I'm a very serious actor, which I am. But you know, if you don't have a sense of humor doing what I do, you perish.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.