Explore Quotes on Humor

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

We are able to laugh when we achieve detachment, if only for a moment.

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.

Fun is about as good a habit as there is.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle _x000D_ down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. _x000D_ You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always _x000D_ some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the _x000D_ club.

Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? _x000D_ You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your _x000D_ daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!

The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.

If the blood humor is too strong and robust, calm it with balance and harmony.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.