Explore Quotes on Humor

Don't pay any attention to the critics; don't even ignore them.

I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.

I am on the right wing of the middle of the road and with a strong radical bias.

Comedy, we may say, is society protecting itself - with a smile.

As a person, he was wonderful. He really was a great person. He was full of life. He had a great sense of humor. Very talented, of course, but very caring to his parents. There was a very endearing quality about Elvis.

I have no use for bodyguards, but I have very specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Go on, prove me wrong. Destroy the fabric of the universe. See if I care.

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you. . . . I want to marry you. . . . I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times.

St. Francis of Assisi was hoeing his garden when someone asked what he would do if he were suddenly to learn that he would die before sunset that very day. "I would finish hoeing my garden," he replied.

There are no nudists in cold areas.

America’s one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.

Statistics have shown that mortality increases perceptibly in the military during wartime.

A woman has to be intelligent, have charm, a sense of humor, and be kind. It's the same qualities I require from a man.

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.

The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.

The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.