Explore Quotes on Humor

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

I have great faith in fools,— self-confidence my friends will call it.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

This is the great fault of wine; it first trips up the feet: it is a cunning wrestler.

An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.

When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.

I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.

Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.

If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls.

I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I'm not too good!

The British civil service ... is a beautifully designed and effective braking mechanism.

If we don't have a sense of humor, we lack a sense of perspective