Explore Quotes on Humor

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

One does not laugh because one is happy; one is happy because one laughs.

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'