Explore Quotes on Humor

I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.

Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

The most fatal disease of friendship is gradual decay, or dislike hourly increased by causes too slender for complaint, and too numerous for removal.

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

Agatha Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman.

I've been around some very famous people, but no one has the effect Maradona has; people tremble in his presence.

I don't think my sense of humor has changed at all; I was born with this, for better or for worse.

You always have two choices: your commitment versus your fear.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

There is wisdom in turning as often as possible from the familiar to the unfamiliar: it keeps the mind nimble, it kills prejudice, and it fosters humor.

What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures, and cats like authors for the same reasons.

When you lose your hands, you can't play baseball.

Hats off to drug abusers everywhere.

The new Haitian baseball can't weigh more than four ounces or less than five.