You know that show 'Teen Mom'? Or if you're from the South, 'Mom..

My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that o….

She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was li….

The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of penn….

Song "Sixteen Going on Seventeen" is actually about syphilis..

I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'.

I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test..

The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What….

Out of nowhere she tells me that Oliver Stone - you know, the director - she's like, 'He has this huge Asian fetish, and I find it totally offensive.….

I understand why so many female comics quit or change their path, because it is hard. It's hard to be a comedian, and people have so much aggression ….

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear..

I hope that the next time you go to a concert, the band doesn't play the song you wanna hear! And instead, they just play songs off their new album!.

I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights ….

I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny a….

Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties.….

I want to quit. Not performing, but being a woman altogether. I want to throw my hands in the air, after reading a mean Twitter comment, and say, 'Al….

Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?.

I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value..

You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore..