Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week.

I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive..

The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicke….

Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later..

I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me..

I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of con….

Television has a real problem. They have no page two..

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water..

No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and….

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a huma….

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in..

I can now say without hesitation the Marine Corps was the best foster home I ever had..

It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children w….

I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep..

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?.

I earned my stripes as a Marine, and the Corps gets full credit for straightening me out. At 17, I was young, I was unhappy and most of all, I was un….

If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments..

I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want….

And Man created the plastic bag and the tin and aluminum can and the cellophane wrapper and the paper plate, and this was good because Man could then….

While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ti….

As my good friend Al Capp told me a few years ago, the best thing to do with a confirmed [hotel] reservation slip when you have no room is to spread ….