The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile ac….

... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech..

On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive..

I don't know whether this is the best of times or the worst of times, but I assure you it's the only time you've got. You can either sit on your expl….

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got..

If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time..

Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is….

We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would adv….

People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time..

I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page..

I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies.

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before..

People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man….

I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage..

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are..

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was..

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security..

I know it's very egocentric to believe that someone is put on Earth for a reason. In my case, I like to think I was..

This is what makes me happy: ...Any music-free restaurant ... A grandson who offers to clean the snow off my driveway and also fix my computer ... An….

The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties..

Writers are funny about reviews: when they get a good one they ignore it-- but when they get a bad review they never forget it. Every writer I know i….