I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bit….

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?.

Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do..

Don't die until you're dead..

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else".

I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline..

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I beli….

I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was a….

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo..

If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket..

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surpri….

I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist..

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me..

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know….

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one..

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home..

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there..

I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with t….

I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt..

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?.

Acting is a different discipline. On stage I'm free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya..