Nothing means anything here. When they pull down an outstanding building, no one objects. Oh, maybe there's a wee protest from some collectors or som….

If you give people a chance, they shine..

It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like..

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow..

I don't aim to offend..

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace..

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to ….

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard..

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things..

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around..

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound..

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce..

I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh..

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight..

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!.

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries..

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked an….

,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to plac….

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet..

Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a p….

Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question..